How to Make Friends at Work

A new feature of the blog called "My Life!  Starring: Social Anxiety"

HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS AT WORK

• Step One: See everyone else having conversations together.
  This step is very important because to really feel like an outsider, excluded from your workplace's culture, you need to first observe everyone else participating in it.  If you can accidentally overhear a conversation about a shared interest that you don't feel comfortable participating in, even better!
• Step Two: Envy them.  Decide you want to join.
  After successful completion of step one, the seeds for envy should already be there, so this step should be simple: just let the anxiety do its work!  A little courage helps, as well, to make up your mind that you finally want to take the plunge to join in.
• Step Three: Fail.
  This step can be accomplished in one of three ways.  One: just don't try at all.  If your anxiety is too bad, or if you only tell yourself your anxiety is too bad, or if you intend to try but keep putting it off - whatever the cause, whether because of yourself or some outside force stopping you from trying, it all counts.  Two: try a little, whether that be pushing yourself or staying in your comfort zone, but don't get many positive results from your efforts.  Three: really push yourself and try hard, making a concerted effort to be friendly with everyone and try to contribute more to small talk and casual conversation, maybe even initiating a few conversations, but still fail and possibly be mocked or ignored.  (At which point, congratulations!  You have possibly found one of the most anxiety-inducing workplaces ever for someone with social anxiety and a desire to interact with other humans.  What a great place for a real strain on your mental health!)
• Step Four: Retreat. 
  Make sure to replay every conversation you ever have wondering if you said enough, or if people don't like, or if you tried too hard and it showed.  A successful step four will probably include a dip in self-esteem and several weeks wondering what went wrong, and possibly increasing the desire to fit in and make friends.
• OPTIONAL Step Five: Read even more than you already do, so you can pretend you have friends in your books.